Why is my life at a standstill?

There is so much in my life right now that I feel is at a standstill, and anyone who knows me at all will tell you that I cannot handle stagnation.

I hate that I feel like all of a sudden my life has decided to stop.  When I was in college I was moving toward a higher goal. Toward something that I believed was tangible.  Now even though I have 2 degrees I feel as if I am ignorant of the world around me and feel as if all my years of education and academic achievement have failed me.

It has gotten so bad lately that I am either not eating at all or eating until I explode, which isn't good.  It's depressing to think that the life that you envisioned for yourself, which once was so close, is now out of reach. A career that you love shouldn't just be a dream. 

Now don't get me wrong I love the job I have now. I love my coworkers and my bosses, they are all amazing people.  I love going to work everyday but I have been so used to learning something new in the field of music that I feel like my knowledge is slipping away, never to return and never to be used again.

So, I am thinking about trying something new though. I have been interested, for some time now, in the music of the Jewish community and I've decided that maybe it would be best to follow that path.  So, I have decided that I should try and find a place here in Eugene to take Hebrew lessons. This way maybe I'll be better prepared for a focus in the field of Jewish Music and maybe, just maybe, be able to travel to Israel for field work.

A couple of my closest friends will undoubtedly tell me that this decision is foolish or dangerous or crazy, but do I care? No.  I need to move forward and at the moment that is not happening.

Looking Forward

Okay so here are some updates:

1. Didn't get into the pit for Avenue Q but that's okay because the music director didn't really know what he was doing anyways.

2. I got into the Eugene Symphonic Band and I love the group already!

3. I am playing clarinet for the South Albany High School version of The Wizard of Oz

Yay.

Exciting and Busy Week Ahead

So hopefully this week will end as great as it started.

I got an email from the music director for the Lord Leebrick Theater Production of Avenue Q confirming a time to audition for the clarinet and alto saxophone parts in the pit orchestra.  I cannot convey how excited that made me.  I went around all day yesterday just walking on air. I also got an email from the Eugene Symphonic Band asking me to come and play audition to be in their group. YAY!

Now for the interesting part. I was able to get the pit parts for Avenue Q and I started practicing them on Erica's alto and I'm kind of out of practice on saxophone. It's not like I can't play the part, I can, but I think that it sounds loud and choppy. I have a couple days to work on my saxophone chops before the audition but I'm starting to worry about whether or not my saxophone skills are up to par for a gig like this.  So my goals for the next two days are to go to work and practice. I need to find a way to sweeten up the sound I'm getting on the alto. Right now I think it sounds too loud and honky.  It'll take some getting used to for sure. I really want this gig!!!  Oh well if I don't get this one then there is always the Eugene Symphonic Band.

In need of Musicking!!!!

Okay, so I love my new job.  So why is it that I feel extremely restless and frustrated.

I know why.  Because I need to be making music.

So I have put some feelers out there for some shows that will be opening soon to play in the pit orchestra. Avenue Q will be playing at the Lord Leebrick Theatre soon and hopefully I'll be auditioning to play the reed book in that show next week. Into the Woods is opening soon at Gallery in McMinnville but Seth, the former music director for that show, moved to Portland so I'm not sure if they will be using a pit. :(

But I am trying to get  myself in the music community here in Eugene, it's just a bit difficult I guess.

I was right!

So my last blog said that it was going to be a great week and so far it is.

Yesterday I played with the American Metropole Orchestra for the Mel Brown Jazz Camp. I love playing with this group! It is so awesome to be on the same stage with some awesome musicians.  Now I just need to get my saxophone chops back and I'll be good to go for next time.

I also just want to point out that some of the music that we played was original and that I really loved "Rain Samba" by Cassio Vianna.   If he ever releases his songs on an album I'll buy it. Especially if Sherry sings.

I also know that I really want to buy the game that Eric,  Courtney and Joseph keep playing, but I need an xbox 360 to play it. Boo. I'll get one eventually.  Just after I pay bills, get health insurance, fix my car, and all the 101 things I have to do before I buy fun stuff. :(  Oh well.

Interesting Weekend...Great Week to Come!

Oh man.  What a weekend.

So I went up to Monmouth to help Courtney and Joseph move.  I feel so bad for them right now. The rental company that they got the apartment from made a big stink over getting the deposit on time and whatever, but when Courtney and Joseph got there the place hadn't been cleaned.  At all. Eww.

But good news comes even after an event like that. I have a gig that will pay on Tuesday. YAY! The music is so much fun. I should play saxophone more often, it's really fun.

I also got good news at my work today. I got a new chair, a key and my hand stamped at the courthouse, which is huge.  Yeah I know it's temp for now but I think I could be here for a while at least.

So far this is a great start to the week. Lets hope that it only gets better from here.

:D

The First Free Summer...I think.

So much as happened since my last entry.  It's been, what, five months. So I won't end up going to doctoral school in the fall but I think that is a good thing. I moved back in with my parents (not sure how I feel about that just yet).  And I got a new job, which I love so far.

So my plan goes something like this.

Work
Practice
Research
Take a break

I fully intend on having fun this summer but I also want to do some soul searching too.

I know that I love to play and I know that I love to research so I think that this summer is the best time to find a way to balance my two loves, and be more financially stable.

Practicing has been really hard so far because I feel like I'm bothering my parents. I think that I may need to find a better place to practice. I don't know where though. 

I also have been having a hard time organizing my practice time. And if you know me then that is saying something. I am usually very organized and methodical about my practice but without a specific piece to work on for a class or performance I am lost as to what to play. Maybe I need to start preparing a new piece, just for me. I don't know.


For now I think that I will take a break from research for another week or two. Get my priorities in order.  Practice more.  Take a break.

Thinking about after graduation

So I've been thinking about life after graduation and I've come to the conclusion that I'm looking forward to it. Whether it's staying home for a year and finding ways to keep myself immersed in music or being accepted to a doctoral program, I'm looking forward to a new adventure.

I've heard from the University of Florida and the University of California-Berkeley and both did not accept me as a phd student. Yes I am bummed about it but the more I reflect and the more I think about what I could do with a year off the more I think that it might be a wise decision. I worry about my loans that will be coming due, but I am skilled at finding employment so as long as I have a job I should be able to figure something out.

For now I continue to wait. Which is hard, but I have three more schools to hear from. Hopefully I'll have better luck.


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Spring Cleaning in Winter!

Okay, so I've decided to get rid of items in my home that don't use and sell them or give them away to people who need them.  So this post, which I will edit and re-post every time I get new ideas for stuff, will contain a list of things that I have that I would love to sell/give away. I'm also posting these items on Craigslist so if you want something let me know ASAP or someone else may beat you to it!

I have the following items:

-Art Portfolio with big clip board and paper, also includes a box with some art supplies in it.
-DVD Player that works, does have remote. Kinda big and bulky but it works. (Yay the first item I was able to give away)
-Apex Digitrex Digital Camera 3.2 mega pixels. It's old but it takes okay pictures for the mega pixels it has.
-Webcam. It's the snake kind. It's a usb plug in that you can bend to point where ever you want. Comes with a CD.
-2 USB Wireless laser mice. Both work well, both need AAA batteries.

I will look around my house more this weekend and add to this post.  Also let me know if there is something you need, maybe I can help you out.

A Quiet Day

So to catch everyone up, I had Gall Bladder removal surgery on Friday, so today is my last day to stay home and recover quietly before I dive back into my school work. I am so happy that I had the surgery because even though I am still sore at least I feel like eating anything.

I also recorded my masters project last weekend. It was an interesting experience. I know that I did good work but I will be nervous until I turn in the master copy to Keller for inspection. I think that it's a good project they are having us do but I worry constantly about the financial implications of a project this big. So far I have paid almost everyone their full fee so at least I don't have to worry about that.

I recorded 3 pieces the full Sonatina for Clarinet and Piano by Bohuslav Martinu, the full Sonata for Clarinet and Piano by Francis Poulenc and the first two movements of the Sonatina for Clarinet and Piano by Joseph Horovitz. I decided to leave the 3rd movement out because I didn't feel it was ready and I feel okay with that. I just want to hear the edit and make sure that I feel good about the work I did. It's a great process and I would definitely do it it again.

I actually have an idea for a project if I don't get into a doctoral school this year. I think that what I'd like to do is get involved with a musical society or historical society somewhere here in the valley and do some research projects for them. Then use the paper and hopefully recording that I do as some real world experience on my resume for doctoral schools.

I haven't heard from any of the graduate programs yet and that makes me nervous. I know that it's a bit early to know yet but I think that I should have a good shot. I hope. I think that if I have to take a year off that it might be a good thing. It might force me to take stock of what I have and what I want to attain in my life.

Honestly I just want to continue my education and be that much closer to my career but I have a nasty feeling that I'm not going to be able to do that.

I've been also doing well on my weight loss for the last 4 weeks. I have a feeling I'm going to gain this week because of the surgery though. I've been eating less veggies and more carbs because carbs were easy to eat after surgery. I'm doing well today about eating things that will fill me up for less PointsPlus values.

Well since it's a quiet day for me today I will leave you will a quiet picture. See Ya. This makes me want to go to the beach
.

Yay!

So I guess it's been too long since I have spent money on DVD's or CD's for myself. I went to Portland today and went to Portland Music, the Dutch Store and Fry's. It was really fun.

I do think though that this term will be a good one if I can stay on top of things. So I think that tomorrow, after my Weight Watchers meeting, I will come home to finish laundry, do my Jazz Arranging homework and then go to the library to finish my other homework.

Hopefully I'll get in some practice time too. My instrument is pretty isn't it.

What day is this?

What day is it? Thursday? No, today is Wednesday.
It's a wonder what a difference a day makes. So I woke up thinking it was Thursday. That changes my schedule quite a bit. First I thought I had rehearsal at 9am, nope no rehearsal. So I went to work. Then I thought that I was working til 12. Nope, I have class at 11. I realized this when it was 11:05 and I had to -run- to class. I don't run. By the time I got there I was out of breath and probably looked like a big red, wheezing tomato. At least I didn't miss something detrimental to my grade. This time.

It's interesting when another term gets started how much I actually have to do. I love school. I like learning and researching but for some reason the break went by too fast and now I feel a bit displaced. The house is not as clean as it normally is at the beginning of a term which makes me feel really disorganized. Maybe I should make that my mission this week. In addition to doing my homework and practicing I should try to clean and organize so that everything feels better for this term.
So this picture is actually a couple years old but I think that this picture is fitting to my mood. It's cold outside and we never really got any snow this December so I feel kind of cheated (I know Erica hates snow but I secretly love it!). This picture makes me think of things that are crisp and clean. Like a new beginning.

One Step Closer

I am one step closer to having all of my doctoral applications in.  All I need to do is finish my personal statement for the University of Michigan in order to submit my online application.  Which means I am one step closer to graduation!  I am looking forward to closing this chapter of my life and moving onto a new one.

So here is my cat, Leo. Who decided he didn't want to be petted with my hand but with my foot.  He's weird. Which is why I love him. Enjoy!

Good Samaritan vs. Cat

Okay so today was the first day of school.  All went well with my classes and everything was fine.  So Erica, my roommate, and I decided we should go get groceries.  So we got in my car and drove to one of the Salem Wal-Mart's and got groceries.  This grocery trip took about 3 hours.  I think that is the longest I have ever spent in Wal-Mart looking for groceries and hygiene items.  But it was a well needed trip so I didn't think too much about it, until we both had full carts going out to my car and we had a fun time stuffing my car full of groceries.

The drive home was fine.  Once we got home we had the enormous task of taking everything inside, which took many trips.  Before we actually started lugging in the groceries we heard a cat meowing somewhere outside. Mind you it's really cold out so we think that it's just complaining about the cold so we go on with our business.  After a couple trips I decide I can't take it anymore this cat sounds pitiful and I venture out with Erica at my heals to find it. 

What we found was a cat who was laying in the parking lot next to the apartment, crying.  When we approached the cat it instantly wanted us to come closer and kept meowing at us.  Unfortunately it was in no shape to move.  Both of its back legs weren't working, probably broken, and it tried to move toward us and cried for our help.  So being the Good Samaritans we are I stayed out with the cat and called my friend Eric while Erica went to get a phone book.  Finally we just had to go into the house and find the numbers to call the emergency clinics and vets in the area to figure out what we could do.  We wanted to help it but we couldn't risk making our cats sick by bringing it in the house so we had to figure out a way for someone to come and get it or for us to take it somewhere. 

Finally, we get ahold of the Dallas Vet Clinic and the vet tells us that the only thing to do is bring it to him and put the poor thing out to save it from suffering.  Well, even though this is not the response I wanted to hear I decided that maybe it would be best and maybe the vet could help it anyway. 

This is where the weird part happens.  So we gather the carrier and some towels and go outside to get the the cat and take it to the vet.

It isn't where we left it.
We looked in the parking lot.
Under cars, trees and everything around.
Still no cat.

We also didn't hear any meowing or crying.  Everything was silent.  Where did this cat go!!!!????

So I called the vet and told him the cat vanished and he thanked us for trying.  So we went into the house and decided that while we were trying to find numbers and figure out what to do, someone else must have come and took the cat away and helped it.  That's the story I'm believing!

So I still have no idea were the cat is but I hope that it's with some people who are helping it.

So the sad part about this story is that the cat we found looks just like Leo, my tiger kitty.  So I do really hope that the cat got rescued by other Good Samaritans.

Back to School Tomorrow....woot?

For some weird reason I am not ready to go back to school tomorrow. I think it's because this break was really busy for me and I didn't get to have much of a break.  If I just had another week maybe then I would be ready to go back to WOU.

I also think it's because I have so much to do. Finish my doctoral applications, practice hard for tracking in February, practice for concerto auditions in February, go to the doctor, have surgery and go to school and work. Its a bit much.  Sometimes I just really want to be done with school and get on with a career but other times I just want to stay in school, mostly because I've done it my whole life and it's comfortable.  Yet, I know that for what I want to do with my life I have another 4-6 years of school.  If only I could just skip ahead a little bit, but alas, no.

On another subject at least the routine of school with help me with my weight loss. I always have better success if I am in a routine.  So I guess I'm looking forward to some aspects of being in school.

So I added these pictures because in thinking about school starting again tomorrow I am thinking about the schools that I am applying for my PhD. I went to California in October and saw the campus at University of California at Berkeley and met with a couple of the music faculty. I fell in love with Berkeley and San Fransisco.  When I look at this picture I'm reminded of where I want to be someday and of what I want to accomplish.  So maybe I am ready for school to start, if only because I want this part to come sooner. The part that gets me closer to Doctoral school.  I really hope I get into UC Berkeley, it would be one of the greatest opportunities ever.

January 1st, 2011... The Start of a New Year

I think that some people think of a new year as a clean slate, the ability to start something new or the opportunity to fix problems that occur in ones life. I think of the new year as an extension of the old. January 1st is just another day but it is a day to reflect on what has happened over the last year and what, if anything, could be changed and what should be done in the coming year.

I have decided that I want to do a couple things this year that will help me on my way through life.

1. Live my life.  I think that sometimes I get caught up in the day to day aspects of life too often. Finances, careers and household chores.  I want to take a day out of every week or month to have fun. To just go somewhere or do something fun for myself.

2. Give myself the opportunity to be healthier and more focused. This is something that I strive to do every year but this year, with it being my last year at Western Oregon University, it is important that I solidify this now.   I will continue with my weight loss path through Weight Watchers and hopefully achieve my first major weight loss goal this year, my 10% goal.

3.  Pay my debts.  This is something that I have thought about a lot and I think that it's time to start paying everything, even if only in small amounts. I owe so much in loans for my education that I think if I don't start paying it a little now that I won't be able to live comfortably when I have my career. So this is my goal. To pay a little, even if it's only $10, on each debt I owe every month. This is definitely doable.

These are the three major changes that I want to implement this year.  I also want to utilize my latest present and post a video or picture everyday.  This will, hopefully, give me an appreciation for the everyday life around me.

Here is my friend Eric's cat Milo, who is deaf. He's so cute!

Until next time!