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So here is my new agenda for the time being: Work, Save and Research. That is the plan.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm Keeping a Promise

I'm working on trying to better myself and in the midst of doing that I realize that I want so much more in my life than what I have, but don't know how to get it sometimes.

I want love. I want someone to care about me, for me, for who I am and not who they WANT me to be.

I want what I never got when I was young. The support of love ones, the unconditional love of friends and a lover/partner, the ability to cry and be heard instead of ignored or scoffed, the ability to fall apart and not be accused of being weak.  I want what others have, what other people in my life have had their entire lives. I realize that this is a tall order to ask for, even Starbucks would have a hard time getting this coffee right. I want so badly to feel loved and accepted that I don't know where to start in finding it.

I have tried dating, and for the most part I find that guys aren't interested, but every once in a while there is someone, but they can't give me what I need or don't want to. Although I don't see Grant anymore I will always be thankful that he made me feel wanted and beautiful, even if it was only for a short time.

I realize that I am inherently a good person, flawed like all people, but a good person. I am loyal, I care deeply about my friends and other people in general, I want the best for everyone.  I think my flaws come from the fact I sometimes define myself by the affection and attention I get from others. I hate that I can't give myself the attention I need sometimes, the love that I want for myself is hard to give to myself but so easily given to others.

I am keeping a promise, to myself and to everyone who reads this, I promise to try to be the person that I know I would want from myself. I promise that I'll not renege on a promise or a date. I promise to be there for you when I can't be there for myself. I also promise to work on being there for myself, to work on loving myself the way I want others to love me. That's a hard promise to keep but I will keep it.