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So here is my new agenda for the time being: Work, Save and Research. That is the plan.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

All the Dull Days of My Life

many days of late have been spent living in a dull routine. A routine
filled with work and television, but also with music. It is the music
that keeps me from committing some act of unspeakable vandalism or
violence. But I feel that there is still not enough musicking in my
life. It's strange to think that this is where I am and where, at the
moment, I am content after graduation. I saw myself doing so much more
with my life. But instead I am here. In a tangible and very real version
of purgatory. 

There are so many places I want to go and so many
facets of music still to explore. Yet I feel as if there is an invisible
hand pushing me back, blocking my path to the next academic milestone. 

Is it too much to want to know as much as possible? I
feel like there is so much that I want to learn, read, research, play,
perform and yet I am, at the moment, forced to take the slower path.
Forever longing for another moment in the sun. For another day spent in

Sometimes I think that this life would be enough for
someone else. That there is a person longing for the life that I am
leading at this specific moment. If that is true then I can only
conclude that this is not my moment. That my moments are still yet to be
lived and are still unwritten. 

I worry about the state that I find myself. That
this longing for a more adventurous life will take me somewhere far from
my dream. But I wonder if I would not welcome such an adventure. A
chance to see the world. I also wonder what I could do to make that a
reality instead. To force myself in that position. A position of
uncertainty. Would I be able to stand the idea of an unplanned life?

For now this is just a dream. A fantasy. 

For now.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Moving Along

So maybe not being in school for a while will do me some good. I got a call from George Fox and I have a paid gig to play for a vocal students senior recital, which is exciting. I'm also playing for a recording at WOU, so maybe it's not so bad. If I network more and do more to get my name out there and get students maybe I can make a name for myself.  Who knows maybe I'll even do more performing.

I hope though that in being away from school I don't loose sight of my goals. I hope that maybe I'll find a topic that I research and write about. Maybe I should take some community classes. I don't know.  I seem a tad unfocused when I'm not in school. 

I hope that I can get back on track.  Not only is my musical career suffering at this point but I'm also starting to see a change in my weight, and not for the better.  I think that not knowing my place in this world is starting to wear on me.  I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy but I am confused because I'm not sure what I have to offer the musical community. 

I've been thinking of setting up informal interviews with my past teachers and seeing if they have an opinion about my situation.  I hope that I can get this straightened around. I don't want to be living a life without a focused musical outlet.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

In my madness...

In the frenzy of trying to keep up with a full time job, numerous performance commitments, producing commitments, learning Hebrew and keeping up with friends of family I've begun to feel a little heavy.  Too heavy.  I know that my life has more excitement than most and believe me I am thankful for all that I am blessed with but something is wrong. Just a bit wrong and I can't seem to put my finger on it.

I'm not sure if it's because I work for financial reasons and not personal passion. Or if it's because I live with my parents. Or if it's because there's something internally askew.  All I know is that I can feel the path that I want to take slipping away from me. It seems further away then ever and I hate that. I want so much to be a musician, to play music for the rest of my life, and do only that til the end of my days.

I can't seem to bring myself to practice or to study or to do anything but sit in my room watching old episodes of South Park or getting engrossed in new shows. I didn't used to be that much of a couch potato. But since I've lived at home I've noticed that I don't practice as much as I did normally.  I don't know why and I have no explanation. Only excuses.

I'm trying to figure out a way to snap myself out of this funk, this heavyness and this gray feeling. But I cant seem to break the cycle of blah.