So
many days of late have been spent living in a dull routine. A routine
filled with work and television, but also with music. It is the music
that keeps me from committing some act of unspeakable vandalism or
violence. But I feel that there is still not enough musicking in my
life. It's strange to think that this is where I am and where, at the
moment, I am content after graduation. I saw myself doing so much more
with my life. But instead I am here. In a tangible and very real version
of purgatory.
There are so many places I want to go and so many
facets of music still to explore. Yet I feel as if there is an invisible
hand pushing me back, blocking my path to the next academic milestone.
Is it too much to want to know as much as possible? I
feel like there is so much that I want to learn, read, research, play,
perform and yet I am, at the moment, forced to take the slower path.
Forever longing for another moment in the sun. For another day spent in
sound.
Sometimes I think that this life would be enough for
someone else. That there is a person longing for the life that I am
leading at this specific moment. If that is true then I can only
conclude that this is not my moment. That my moments are still yet to be
lived and are still unwritten.
I worry about the state that I find myself. That
this longing for a more adventurous life will take me somewhere far from
my dream. But I wonder if I would not welcome such an adventure. A
chance to see the world. I also wonder what I could do to make that a
reality instead. To force myself in that position. A position of
uncertainty. Would I be able to stand the idea of an unplanned life?
For now this is just a dream. A fantasy.
For now.
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