In my madness...

In the frenzy of trying to keep up with a full time job, numerous performance commitments, producing commitments, learning Hebrew and keeping up with friends of family I've begun to feel a little heavy.  Too heavy.  I know that my life has more excitement than most and believe me I am thankful for all that I am blessed with but something is wrong. Just a bit wrong and I can't seem to put my finger on it.

I'm not sure if it's because I work for financial reasons and not personal passion. Or if it's because I live with my parents. Or if it's because there's something internally askew.  All I know is that I can feel the path that I want to take slipping away from me. It seems further away then ever and I hate that. I want so much to be a musician, to play music for the rest of my life, and do only that til the end of my days.

I can't seem to bring myself to practice or to study or to do anything but sit in my room watching old episodes of South Park or getting engrossed in new shows. I didn't used to be that much of a couch potato. But since I've lived at home I've noticed that I don't practice as much as I did normally.  I don't know why and I have no explanation. Only excuses.

I'm trying to figure out a way to snap myself out of this funk, this heavyness and this gray feeling. But I cant seem to break the cycle of blah.