I'm Keeping a Promise

I'm working on trying to better myself and in the midst of doing that I realize that I want so much more in my life than what I have, but don't know how to get it sometimes.

I want love. I want someone to care about me, for me, for who I am and not who they WANT me to be.

I want what I never got when I was young. The support of love ones, the unconditional love of friends and a lover/partner, the ability to cry and be heard instead of ignored or scoffed, the ability to fall apart and not be accused of being weak.  I want what others have, what other people in my life have had their entire lives. I realize that this is a tall order to ask for, even Starbucks would have a hard time getting this coffee right. I want so badly to feel loved and accepted that I don't know where to start in finding it.

I have tried dating, and for the most part I find that guys aren't interested, but every once in a while there is someone, but they can't give me what I need or don't want to. Although I don't see Grant anymore I will always be thankful that he made me feel wanted and beautiful, even if it was only for a short time.

I realize that I am inherently a good person, flawed like all people, but a good person. I am loyal, I care deeply about my friends and other people in general, I want the best for everyone.  I think my flaws come from the fact I sometimes define myself by the affection and attention I get from others. I hate that I can't give myself the attention I need sometimes, the love that I want for myself is hard to give to myself but so easily given to others.

I am keeping a promise, to myself and to everyone who reads this, I promise to try to be the person that I know I would want from myself. I promise that I'll not renege on a promise or a date. I promise to be there for you when I can't be there for myself. I also promise to work on being there for myself, to work on loving myself the way I want others to love me. That's a hard promise to keep but I will keep it.

All the Dull Days of My Life

So
many days of late have been spent living in a dull routine. A routine
filled with work and television, but also with music. It is the music
that keeps me from committing some act of unspeakable vandalism or
violence. But I feel that there is still not enough musicking in my
life. It's strange to think that this is where I am and where, at the
moment, I am content after graduation. I saw myself doing so much more
with my life. But instead I am here. In a tangible and very real version
of purgatory. 

There are so many places I want to go and so many
facets of music still to explore. Yet I feel as if there is an invisible
hand pushing me back, blocking my path to the next academic milestone. 

Is it too much to want to know as much as possible? I
feel like there is so much that I want to learn, read, research, play,
perform and yet I am, at the moment, forced to take the slower path.
Forever longing for another moment in the sun. For another day spent in
sound. 

Sometimes I think that this life would be enough for
someone else. That there is a person longing for the life that I am
leading at this specific moment. If that is true then I can only
conclude that this is not my moment. That my moments are still yet to be
lived and are still unwritten. 

I worry about the state that I find myself. That
this longing for a more adventurous life will take me somewhere far from
my dream. But I wonder if I would not welcome such an adventure. A
chance to see the world. I also wonder what I could do to make that a
reality instead. To force myself in that position. A position of
uncertainty. Would I be able to stand the idea of an unplanned life?

For now this is just a dream. A fantasy. 

For now.

Moving Along

So maybe not being in school for a while will do me some good. I got a call from George Fox and I have a paid gig to play for a vocal students senior recital, which is exciting. I'm also playing for a recording at WOU, so maybe it's not so bad. If I network more and do more to get my name out there and get students maybe I can make a name for myself.  Who knows maybe I'll even do more performing.

I hope though that in being away from school I don't loose sight of my goals. I hope that maybe I'll find a topic that I research and write about. Maybe I should take some community classes. I don't know.  I seem a tad unfocused when I'm not in school. 

I hope that I can get back on track.  Not only is my musical career suffering at this point but I'm also starting to see a change in my weight, and not for the better.  I think that not knowing my place in this world is starting to wear on me.  I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy but I am confused because I'm not sure what I have to offer the musical community. 

I've been thinking of setting up informal interviews with my past teachers and seeing if they have an opinion about my situation.  I hope that I can get this straightened around. I don't want to be living a life without a focused musical outlet.

In my madness...

In the frenzy of trying to keep up with a full time job, numerous performance commitments, producing commitments, learning Hebrew and keeping up with friends of family I've begun to feel a little heavy.  Too heavy.  I know that my life has more excitement than most and believe me I am thankful for all that I am blessed with but something is wrong. Just a bit wrong and I can't seem to put my finger on it.

I'm not sure if it's because I work for financial reasons and not personal passion. Or if it's because I live with my parents. Or if it's because there's something internally askew.  All I know is that I can feel the path that I want to take slipping away from me. It seems further away then ever and I hate that. I want so much to be a musician, to play music for the rest of my life, and do only that til the end of my days.

I can't seem to bring myself to practice or to study or to do anything but sit in my room watching old episodes of South Park or getting engrossed in new shows. I didn't used to be that much of a couch potato. But since I've lived at home I've noticed that I don't practice as much as I did normally.  I don't know why and I have no explanation. Only excuses.

I'm trying to figure out a way to snap myself out of this funk, this heavyness and this gray feeling. But I cant seem to break the cycle of blah.

Why is my life at a standstill?

There is so much in my life right now that I feel is at a standstill, and anyone who knows me at all will tell you that I cannot handle stagnation.

I hate that I feel like all of a sudden my life has decided to stop.  When I was in college I was moving toward a higher goal. Toward something that I believed was tangible.  Now even though I have 2 degrees I feel as if I am ignorant of the world around me and feel as if all my years of education and academic achievement have failed me.

It has gotten so bad lately that I am either not eating at all or eating until I explode, which isn't good.  It's depressing to think that the life that you envisioned for yourself, which once was so close, is now out of reach. A career that you love shouldn't just be a dream. 

Now don't get me wrong I love the job I have now. I love my coworkers and my bosses, they are all amazing people.  I love going to work everyday but I have been so used to learning something new in the field of music that I feel like my knowledge is slipping away, never to return and never to be used again.

So, I am thinking about trying something new though. I have been interested, for some time now, in the music of the Jewish community and I've decided that maybe it would be best to follow that path.  So, I have decided that I should try and find a place here in Eugene to take Hebrew lessons. This way maybe I'll be better prepared for a focus in the field of Jewish Music and maybe, just maybe, be able to travel to Israel for field work.

A couple of my closest friends will undoubtedly tell me that this decision is foolish or dangerous or crazy, but do I care? No.  I need to move forward and at the moment that is not happening.

Looking Forward

Okay so here are some updates:

1. Didn't get into the pit for Avenue Q but that's okay because the music director didn't really know what he was doing anyways.

2. I got into the Eugene Symphonic Band and I love the group already!

3. I am playing clarinet for the South Albany High School version of The Wizard of Oz

Yay.

Exciting and Busy Week Ahead

So hopefully this week will end as great as it started.

I got an email from the music director for the Lord Leebrick Theater Production of Avenue Q confirming a time to audition for the clarinet and alto saxophone parts in the pit orchestra.  I cannot convey how excited that made me.  I went around all day yesterday just walking on air. I also got an email from the Eugene Symphonic Band asking me to come and play audition to be in their group. YAY!

Now for the interesting part. I was able to get the pit parts for Avenue Q and I started practicing them on Erica's alto and I'm kind of out of practice on saxophone. It's not like I can't play the part, I can, but I think that it sounds loud and choppy. I have a couple days to work on my saxophone chops before the audition but I'm starting to worry about whether or not my saxophone skills are up to par for a gig like this.  So my goals for the next two days are to go to work and practice. I need to find a way to sweeten up the sound I'm getting on the alto. Right now I think it sounds too loud and honky.  It'll take some getting used to for sure. I really want this gig!!!  Oh well if I don't get this one then there is always the Eugene Symphonic Band.